is there life after all of this…

I’ve noticed I’ve had some depression. Is it because I just got off my ADHD meds, or is it something bigger? Maybe it’s the times. They certainly are changing, and not always in the ways I’ve hoped.

Lately, I’ve had these flashes—images, feelings—of being in a same sex marriage or queer and getting hauled off in a train car. It sounds dramatic, but it doesn’t feel far-fetched. And even more than that, I’ve felt this almost unbearable grief over what’s happening to black and brown skinned people being detained. Disappeared. I keep wondering: where will they be found? Will anyone come? Is anyone coming?

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my wife. We talked about “wild cards” —those things that disrupt everything you think is grounded and stable. And I wonder if maybe all of this political upheaval is a kind of “wild card”. Maybe it’s revealing something deeper. Some missing point. Maybe there’s some kind of invitation here?

What if i am (we are) being invited into the “dance of all ages” (to borrow from Led Zeppelin)—a return to something more ancient, more raw. A time before man made doctrines and theological systems were perfectly boxed up, and put in their completely certain places. Where is the mystery that beckons us to depend on God? I ponder these things to myself. And, I wonder…when we have all the answers or certainty of course it soothes our need for safety but how could it possibly call out our deep need for God. I ask myself …do I need God or a HP?

So… maybe I am (we are) being invited to a relationship and co-creation with the earthy, revolutionary essence of Jesus—not just a cosmic warrior, but a poor Jewish teacher. A healer of the broken. A teller of stories. A man who broke bread with the “wrong” people and loved in ways that threatened the powerful. Jesus who turned the tables—literally and spiritually.

What if this grief is a doorway?

“I’m not better than you but I ain’t worse.”

- (A line from my song Serve Up Another)